Boundaries of the Soul
Nurture and liberation
In a New York Times digital article on January 14, 2025, Hugh Morris wrote about the rising star French pianist Alexandre Kantorow whose playing seems to be setting the classical music world afire. I had not yet heard of him, but what struck me in the article was Kantorow’s sense of himself and what makes his life and career work—a topic I’ve been reflecting on since experiencing a mini stroke nearly two weeks ago.
Only 27 years old, Kantorow won first prize in the International Tchaikovsky Competition in 2019 and the Gilmore Artist Award for extraordinary piano artistry in 2024. However, in this article, Hugh Morris writes that even though Kantorow’s rise to fame has been fast, little has changed in his everyday working practices. He continues to work with the same general manager and piano teacher since he was 16. He told Morris, “I don’t really like change, and unnecessary change in life.” The founder of the small Swedish label with whom Kantorow records, wrote, “He guards his relationships for the long run, and refuses to change himself or his outlooks. Very few artists in his class do that.”
Reflecting on who I have been in my past, who I am now, and who I am becoming, has been an ongoing practice for much of my life. Reading about Alexandre Kantorow, I’ve considered how the living of my days has, or hasn’t, evolved over time. Like Kantorow, I am somewhat a creature of habit, ritual, and structure. I prefer familiar surroundings and a somewhat regular schedule. It fosters my creativity and nurtures my soul. Therefore, in many ways, the structure of my everyday life is very much the same as 40 years ago. My public life and work has indeed expanded and evolved tremendously during that time, yet who I am at my essence and the basic structure of how I live my days hasn’t really changed.
For the past 40 years, my mornings have started with an early walk, often with my dog when I had one, followed by meditation, some physical exercise, and a light breakfast. Then email and logistical tasks before the larger part of the day’s focus—writing, coaching or mentoring with clients (or singers in the earlier days), and preparing upcoming talks or workshops. There are occasional dinners with friends around our dining table or theirs, as well as movies, concerts, or theater every now and then.
Even when I was traveling a lot to teach and speak, my days still had a similar kind of rhythm. It’s just that I was working in a group setting instead of with individual clients. Although I have travelled all over the world and worked in almost 20 countries, all in all, my daily life has been, and continues to be, pretty simple. It just feels right. It’s a rhythm that works for me.
Sometimes a very full schedule has challenged me to find balance again, especially when I found myself saying “yes” to things that, in hindsight, I realized were not mine to do. Yet every time that happened, I was reminded to come back to why I’m here, to what brings me joy and fulfillment, and to stay aware of where and to what I’m feeling called next. Over the course of my life, I’ve learned to set boundaries to protect the rhythm that works best for me while also creating space to breathe and embrace new opportunities and experiences.
We’re all wired differently. While I like consistency, keeping things mostly the same, with maybe a little variation here and there, you might prefer to mix things up to keep life interesting and exciting. While I feel no need or desire for frequent change in my days, you might thrive on “new and different.”
It’s not about a right way or a wrong way. It’s about knowing who you are, where you’ve come from, and what you are feeling called to. Knowing what feeds and nurtures your soul, and what brings meaning and authentic expression to your life. Recognizing when and where you are comfortable and where you aren’t, and to be curious about why. It’s about continuing to discover yourself on deeper levels—who you are and what is important to you as your life continues to unfold.
Which brings us to boundaries of the soul—boundaries that nurture and protect our well-being, growth, and development, while also setting us free to live authentically, and to evolve in being and expression.
Setting boundaries of the soul, whether physical or energetic, can help us focus and sustain our energy, as well as nurture a sense of personal integrity, so that we can live authentic and fulfilling lives. Those boundaries can help us get clearer about what supports us in living into who we feel called to be and what we are here to do. Soul boundaries help us create and live with conscious intention, awareness, and purpose.
Last week, I wrote about my shifting relationship to time and opening myself to something profoundly new—asking Life to show me “what is waiting for me in the blessed emptiness of the eternal present.” As I have continued to explore, I realize I need boundaries to help me stay with this “eternal present.” I need gentle yet firm boundaries to keep me from slipping back into past expectations, slipping back into patterns that served me well earlier in my life, but not now. Those patterns and expectations belong to another time. It’s time to discover more fully the structures, patterns, and rituals that will serve me the most now, and will lead me towards the next chapters of my life.
I recently heard the poet David Whyte say, “Now always includes the poignancy of the past.” Indeed, who I am today holds everything I have ever been and experienced. At the same time, I recognize that this “eternal present” also holds my aspirations, hopes, and anticipations, as well as the not-yet-revealed invitations, of my future. It also holds my doubts, fears, and hesitations. I am constantly growing beyond who I have been into who I am becoming as I strive to live in this eternal present. And I’m asking myself what story I will choose to live into in the coming years. And so, I’m listening and sensing into my own “eternal present” to be shown the next soul boundaries I need to set for myself.
Perhaps you, too, recognize the need for some new soul boundaries in your life. If so, here are some considerations that could be helpful.
First, know yourself. Know what matters most to you and who it’s most important for you to be for your own well-being. And then, who is most important for you to be so that you can do what you feel called to do. Notice that those are two separate considerations.
In both, pay attention to what you are called to as distinct from what others want or expect from you. There may be an overlap, yet make sure you are taking care of yourself so that you can be who you want to be for yourself and others in the coming months and years.
Second, consider what soul boundaries you may need to set to help you live what is most important to you. Remember that boundaries can focus our attention and energy. So, what is your soul longing for? What does it want more of? Less of? What have you not been giving yourself permission to live?
Setting these boundaries may involve some uncomfortable choices. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and others, and at the same time, speak and live your truth.
Third, know that life is fluid, and your need and purpose for soul boundaries will shift over time. Listen to your inner wisdom; let it guide you. Give yourself time and space for silence, reflection, contemplation, and creative expression. And gather the courage to say “no” to things that pull you away from the path you know you need to walk.
One of my favorite David Whyte poems begins:
Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take.—David Whyte, from his poem “Start close in”
When challenges or opportunities arise, my Dutch friends say, “I have to stay close to myself.”
In my 45 hours in the emergency ward two weeks ago, I noticed I was very “close to myself.” I was starting each moment “close in.” Through that closeness, I found my way deeper into the “eternal present” within me. And from that time, new soul boundaries are showing themselves.
You can “start close in,” too, if you wish. If you pay attention, your soul will show you the boundaries it needs now. Create space for silence, reflection, and contemplation, whether that is in a sitting meditation practice, or through journaling, or a walk in nature, or silent yoga. Find what works best for you. And as you sense your own guidance from deep within, you will recognize the boundaries and next steps waiting for you. Listen, sense, feel.
Invitations:
Join Alan for the Free Monday Meditations on Zoom series continuing on Mondays through February 24th. 10 am ET / 7 am PT / 16 CET for 20 minutes. The theme for this series is “Back to Basics: A Path Toward Conscious Living.” All are welcome to attend in person or to listen to recordings at your convenience. Register for free to receive 2-day reminders and links to recordings after each session.
Free recorded Meditations for Changing Times on the Center for Transformational Presence website. More than 50 guided meditations. Choose the title that speaks to you and listen. Available for free to you anytime.
If you are anywhere near Newburyport, MA, join Alan for a free half-hour contemplative meditation, “Touching the Sacred Within,” at First Religious Society, Unitarian Universalist, at 8 am the first Sunday of each month. All are welcome.
Visit The Center for Transformational Presence website
Consider reading one of Alan’s Books
Explore Coaching and Mentoring with Alan
Invite Alan to Speak to your organization or conference
Wonderful guidance, as always. Thank you!
Very sorry to hear of your health challenges, but inspired by the grace you bring to a difficult challenge.
Love the concept of soul boundaries and your brightening of what that means. I will be contemplating your ideas.
Sending healing thoughts.